Personal development: The 5 elements of intimacy


PERSONAL DEVELOPMENTQuick test: what do you want your partner to change?  If you have an answer to that, are you applying gratitude?

  1. Allowance
    Here allowance means that “everything is just an interesting point of view”. Nothing can be right, wrong, good, bad, positive or negative without our judging it to be so. Judgment kills allowance, just as it kills gratitude. There are several parts to allowance. Allowance is receiving who your partner is without judgment — but it also includes an awareness of who they are, whether they are willing to see that or not.  It does not mean you have to tell them what you see.

Quick test: have you ever found yourself saying “how could they do this to me?” If yes, then you have not been in allowance. If everything your partner said or did was just an interesting point of view, would it be possible for them to do anything to you?  What if everything they did or said was just an expression of the uniqueness that they are?  Wasn’t that what you picked them for in the first place? Have you forgotten that?

  1. Vulnerability
    Vulnerability is like being the open wound that hasn’t cured. The slightest breeze over it is excruciating and intense. From point of view, vulnerability is seen as a weakness but vulnerability is actually very potent, as only when we’re vulnerable can we receive and only when we’re willing to be vulnerable can we be truly aware.

Vulnerability in this case means allowing your partner to see all of you without barriers. Mind you, allowing yourself to be seen is different than telling your partner how you feel. Vulnerability is being willing to allow your partner to see everything, without any demand that he or she do anything about it. This also does not imply that you must tell your partner everything. If saying what’s going on for you is not kind to your partner, if it does not contribute to making the relationship greater, why say it?

Quick test: “What is sharing this information going to create for the relationship?”  Or, “Am I sharing this/not sharing this to be vulnerable/avoid being vulnerable/or (worst) just to hurt or get even with my partner?” If you ever feel in your relationship that your partner must do something about how you feel, then you are not being vulnerable – it is emotional blackmail.

What if in your heart of hearts you actually already knew what was required to create a relationship that really worked?  Would you be willing to do it?  Like consciousness, it’s not always comfortable, and it never turns out like you think it’s going to! I wish you tender moments of ease joy and glory in your relation-ship(s)

Sarbani Sen is a recognized Access Consciousness Bars facilitator. She gives trainings on ‘Thinking out of the box’ with Access Consciousness Tools and Learning the Bars™.