Personal Development: Of all the issues that come up in life, Sarbani Sen says the toughest can sometimes be love and the couple life, or our relationships to the ‘other(s)’. In this article she helps us get some clarity on who we are in a couple, or in a group, and discuss some tools on how to get back to reason when it comes to over-emotional subjects with the significant other half.
From an astrological point of view, there are various aspects to check in a couple’s chart. For example, we could start with where is his Venus (the kind of woman he likes)? In which astrological house does she evolve (the kind of universe we’ll be swimming in)? If we are a woman, what sign is our Mars? If it’s a fiery Mars (Aries, Sagi, Leo) then it means we constantly look for a dominant man, someone who is spontaneous and straightforward, someone that likes to take risks. If our Mars is rather earthy (Taurus, Virgo, Capri) then we nurture needs of security, of routine, of a lush worldly material life. If he’s in the sign of Air (Aquarius, Gemini or Libra) then we’re more into a light affair, something fun and creative, constantly in movement. Water (Pisces, Cancer or Scorpio) will be a search for deeper connection, deeper meaning, very emotional without being tartly.
The Enneagram is another brilliant tool that can give us some clues on understanding the other, on why the hell is he behaving like that? Well because he has a base 7, so his goal will be this and that. At the end of the day, the way we behave and interact is all about education and childhood strategies. From a romantic point of view, we could ask ourselves what is romance? What are all the points of view we have on romance? What are the images haunting us as soon as we meet someone? What are all the expectations we have regarding what he should say and do?
How many times do we argue because he/she did not use the perfect wording that
we were expecting? For us, in our couple life, it happens all the time. I have an overwhelmed Venus position in Pisces, which makes me very demanding. I have high expectations in Love and see it almost as a spiritual thing. I need deep connection (Pisces, remember?) at all times. He, on the other hand, has a Venus – in conjunction with Sun – in Taurus (an earthlier version of love). These animals don’t like to be pushed or criticized.
His is a sweet temper as long as words flow like honey to his ears. (Enhanced by a Moon in Libra, matters of beauty, harmony, justice). I have a Moon in Aries (fiery, outspoken, direct, abrupt, ready to fight and actually quite stimulated by it). After 9 years, I feel we’ve learned! Thanks to Astrology I don’t make jokes about him being a sissy anymore (which I know he is) because I know it wouldn’t help the situation. If I love him, I learn to be sweet in his ears, and he sadly (Taureans feel quite pity for themselves) steps into allowance of the competitive bastarda he married. As years go by, we realize that we always choose someone for a good reason: may it be to challenge us, or point us towards our wounds, repeat damaged scenario, help us heal, or simply bring us back to equilibrium between dualities in presence.
So how do we transcend the polarizing effect: from being in total symbiosis with our partner to exploding (or exploring) and feeding personal needs? Here are a few solutions to that.
First, the easiest way (I’m sure you’ve tried it before) is a good fight. Yes, damn right, what better and more efficient way to dissolve the magnet effect than an explosion? It’s physical, nothing personal. A softer solution, is to be more aware of the energies at stake, and the emotional level of each other when interacting. Sometimes it feels more reasonable to give and take some space, stay at a soothing distance, allowing the other to process his emotions and the energies he’s struggling with. Come back to the space of self-realization. We are two separate beings and we are here on earth to realize ourselves. You could also organize some recurring fun activities outside. In order to keep a healthy relationship, it is vital to stop waiting for the other, stop expecting to be fed in all the parts of us by one person, spend quality and fun time with friends. Keep some alone time and space for oneself.
Another way is to ‘know thyself’, self- analyze. Most of the time when we feel love sick it’s because we have some deeper issues at stake. It’s a good moment to go and check what is there for us from our childhood, what comes up when we are in that drama space? Who does it belong to? And what else is possible? Observe and step out of childhood (lost) feelings and wounds. It can be very interesting and fruitful to talk to the little girl or boy inside. Listen to what he or she has to say. Where does it hurt? Let them know they’re safe – they are being loved. Everything is ok now.
This can be done in self-healing session (writing, or speaking out loud) and it can be handled in therapy too. It is time we come out and be the adult we want to be. When we are in the ‘distractor implant’ of love, anger rage or fury and all the other ones (wanting something so badly that we don’t have the choice anymore and make ourselves mad about it) the whole world revolves around our implant and distracts us from our main goal in life which is certainly ‘other’. Once we step out of it, we are free again, and we can be in the space of ‘everything is possible’ again – the space of joy and creativity. A good way is to remind ourselves to step out of drama and trauma. If we feel really stuck in a negative spiral, we can use spiritual tools to get more information on certain situations that are bugging us. I use meditation, automatic writing, tarot cards, oracles and Astrology.
I ask for clarity and answers. I usually get wise ideas and go for a walk in nature or sleep. For the highly emotional, it is advisable to always have a plan B and C, because we get over involved into other people’s lives, and forget about ours. Hence the distractor implant concept. Our whole world collapses once the significant other half disappears or ruins it. So, what to do to avoid the pain and the sense of losing everything at once?
The best thing to do (for me) is to mindmap. I mindmap on everything. Make a large drawing of your life and what you want to put in it. Maybe even go for a collage. Not all of us are good at it, but it helps us to go for the larger picture, step out of the narrow world of ‘him’ or ‘her and start dreaming again. Life is not all about love and relationships! What else do you want in your life? What does it look like? And most of all how does it make you feel ? You’d be surprised how a vision board collage can expand your reality! For me it works miracles. Suddenly you become the centre of your life again, and you find joy and inspiration in other small things such as going out, dancing, hanging out or learning the piano. Try to fit your bucket list into it! What have you always dreamed of doing?